THE BIG STALL: Why Britain is Sleepwalking Into a Digital Grave

Humanity is hitting a brick wall. For centuries, we climbed the mountain of progress, fueled by a drive to survive and a hunger for more. But now we’ve reached the top, and there’s nothing there but an empty void. The "glory days" are over—and the long, dangerous slide down has already begun.

We are living in a society that is simply too expensive to run. The system is breaking, and the proof is everywhere:

High streets in crisis: Short-sighted tax grabs are killing our shops.

Job losses: Giants like Morrisons are being forced to axe thousands of staff and shut doors, leaving families in the lurch.

The "Stall Point": We’ve built a world so complicated we can no longer afford to keep the lights on.

The Car Off the Cliff The truth? We’re like a car that’s already driven off a cliff. The wheels are still spinning and the radio is blaring, so we haven’t noticed the terrifying drop. We are living through a "slow-motion collapse," but instead of hitting the brakes, we’re just lowering our standards and looking for the next cheap thrill.

The Digital Circus Instead of facing the music, we’ve retreated into a world of "mental trash." We’ve traded the wonder of the real world for a glowing box of transistors. Our days and nights have melted into a non-stop "pleasure circus" of shopping and scrolling.

Our brains are being melted by 15-second videos and digital dopamine hits. This "sweet servitude" has turned us into a nation of zombies—trained to consume, obey, and cheer for our own decline. Thinking for yourself has become a revolutionary act. If we don’t stop this greed, we’ll strip the planet bare and destroy ourselves in the process.

The "No-Desire" Generation Look at Japan for a glimpse of our future. There, a "low-desire society" has taken hold. Young people, tired of stagnant wages and hollow promises, have given up on the "rat race." They’ve abandoned the hunt for big salaries, promotions, and even relationships.

For some, it’s a tragedy of fear. But for others, it’s a protest. They’ve realised the "pursuit of more" is a lie. Like the ancient rebels who lived in barrels, they are finding peace in having less. They’ve seen through the brainwashing.

No Way Out? We are standing on the edge of a foggy abyss. There is no "tech saviour" coming to rescue us. There is no app that can fix a broken soul, and no data map to lead us out of the clouds.

The only way to survive what’s coming is to unplug. We need to ditch the noise of the circus and embrace the silence of deep thought. We have to stop looking to machines for the answers. It’s time to step into the unknown—not as bosses of the world, but as people who finally realise that life is a mystery, not a product.

For some, this lack of desire is a tragedy born of fear and passivity, preventing them from sharing their gifts with the world. But for others, it is an act of profound, authentic rebellion. Much like the ancient philosopher Diogenes, who chose to sleep in a barrel and rejected the endless desires of Alexander the Great, these individuals have consciously seen through the programming of endless consumerism. They have realised that the relentless pursuit of "more" only induces suffering, and they are finding contentment in minimalism.

Into the Unknown So, how does the story continue? We have reached the edge of the precipice, standing before a valley filled with total fog. The old ways of searching and watching from above are over; even the eagle is blind in this grey void. There is no technological savior, no "eye in the sky," and no data road map to guide us out of this collapse.

The next chapter of humanity relies entirely on a conscious, silent minority who refuse to sink into the collective filth. To survive what comes next, we must shed the greed and noise of the circus. It will require us to stop looking to machines for answers, to embrace the solitary discomfort of deep thought, and to step humbly into the unknown clouds—not as conquerors, but as witnesses to a mystery far greater than our own technology.

Your Brain Is Always Listening

Your Brain Is Always Listening: The Danger of Negative Conversations As we get older, it's natural to have more conversations about our health. We talk about our aches, our pains, and our worries. While these chats can feel like a way to connect, they can also have a sneaky side effect. Our brains are always listening, and they take everything we hear and say very seriously. This isn't just about paying attention; it's about our brains physically responding to the words and ideas we're exposed to. When we constantly hear about problems, our brains can start to anticipate those same problems in our own bodies. This is the nocebo effect in action. Just like the placebo effect can make us feel better because we believe a treatment will work, the nocebo effect can make us feel worse because we believe something negative will happen. Imagine you're feeling perfectly fine. Then, a friend starts talking about their persistent dizziness and fatigue. They describe how it affects their daily life and how worried they are. As you listen, your brain starts making connections. It's almost as if your brain is taking notes. Later that day, you feel a little lightheaded when you stand up. Was it there before? Maybe, but now your brain is paying close attention, and it links that feeling directly to your friend's story. Suddenly, a simple, fleeting sensation becomes a symptom of a larger problem. The key is that your mind is incredibly powerful. It can influence your body's experience of pain and discomfort. When you hear about a specific ailment, your mind can be influenced to create or magnify that symptom in your own body. This isn't hypochondria; it's a real, psychological effect. Our brains can convince our bodies to feel what others are describing. So, how can we protect ourselves? We don't have to stop being compassionate or listening to our friends. Instead, we can try to balance our conversations. Alongside talking about challenges, we can also share our joys, our small victories, and the things that bring us comfort. By focusing on positive experiences and solutions, we can use our brains' listening power to our advantage. We can spread hope and well-being, instead of worry and pain.

Downward Slopes of the Mountain

The presumed start of functional hominin speech is estimated to have occurred around 50,000 to 100,000 years ago, coinciding with the emergence of fully modern human anatomy and the development of symbolic thought. Rudimentary language may have begun much earlier, possibly around 1.6 million years ago, with Homo erectus. Language, nevertheless, marked a crucial turning point in hominin development. At the base of an allegorical mountain where early life began, survival and the thrill of discovery were essential. At first, the ascent was easy. The upward slope was gentle, and new ideas satisfied the curious minds of early hominins. Our ascent was powered by a biological imperative for efficiency and convenience, but without the foresight to fully grasp the systemic ramifications of those innovations. As time passed, knowledge built upon knowledge, slowly enhancing our capabilities. New ideas accelerated the development of hominin knowledge at an ever-faster pace. The slope of the mountain became more challenging, thus satisfying the desire to progress. It wasn't a pursuit of mastery or a thirst for understanding; rather, it was a natural phenomenon within the human brain, whether intended or evolutionary. One hundred thousand years of evolutionary development was sufficient time for the hominin brain to adapt; it wasn't even a challenge, but a natural adoption of progressive ideas. Starting with the introduction of language, shared ideas contributed to the development of foundational human skills. Critical thinking and objective analysis led to progressive ideas, each contributing to the ascent of the mountain. It's doubtful that hominins ever had a vision of the ultimate destination. Prior to the development of the hominin brain, life on this planet probably enjoyed a balanced ecological existence. Hominins were initially hunter-gatherers, but after learning the value of fire and cooked meat (perhaps following wildfires), they likely began to trap and kill larger game. Cooked meat undoubtedly contributed to better digestion and fresh perspectives. This innovation, however, also involved the indiscriminate destruction of wildlife. Larger wildlife was plentiful, so there was no perceived need to consider needless destruction. It was a beneficial and, at the time, seemingly necessary step on the allegorical mountain's ascent. The indiscriminate destruction of wildlife wasn't a malicious act. It was rather a convenience, like driving a herd of buffalo over a cliff for the sake of a single carcass. This indiscriminate killing has been a human propensity even in modern times, either for gain or entertainment. Indeed, such actions led to an imbalance and a long-term negative impact on the planet. Things changed on the planet as hominins became more skilled. Discoveries driven by ideas and inspiration, rather than intended and contemplated progression, led to the development of agriculture and trade. Money, being more convenient for barter, became a necessary consequence. None of this was intended or foreseen; it was, rather, a natural progression of a sophisticated brain. Evolution played a crucial role in developing a hominin brain that was well-suited to its purpose. Major shifts in human history, such as the development of agriculture, trade, and eventually money, weren't the result of a grand, preconceived plan or a conscious "design." It implies that the brain didn't evolve specifically for agriculture or money, but rather developed a general capacity for complex problem-solving and abstract thought. The ability to observe, categorise, remember, and communicate is foundational to critical thinking and objective analysis. Reaching the mountain's summit, the complex problem-solving and abstract thinking brain transcends the very boundaries of human cognition and encounters the truly inconceivable. Logic and reason recede, unfolding a new horizon of expanded awareness. It transcends human mental architecture, revealing previously unimaginable truths. The inconceivable is an ascension, not chaos, into a realm where understanding isn't confined to the tangible or the conventionally explicable. It's a profound shift, offering glimpses of a reality grander than the ordinary human mind can fathom. The driving force that propelled hominins upwards—the ambition to reach the summit—is now relinquished to an automated activity. Without a new, equally compelling goal, a sense of aimlessness can set in. An unnerving stillness replaces the familiar rhythm of struggle and ascent. Then, there is the challenge of maintaining relevance and motivation. Yet, as hominins gaze upon the world laid out beneath them, the very essence of their pursuit has been fulfilled, leaving an unexpected emptiness; there is truly nothing new to be found. The allure of constant innovation, while seemingly beneficial, inadvertently fostered a sense of elitism. These individuals—typically the privileged, highly intelligent, and affluent—often believe they possess unique power and influence in society. They believe they are inherently more suited to lead or make decisions. When decisions are made exclusively by this group, the needs of the wider population may be overlooked. These are the societal conditions that began to solidify before the true explosion of Artificial Intelligence. In stark contrast, individuals still navigating the slopes, realising there is little room at the top, choose a realm of defiance. This pursuit, often characterised by an insatiable desire for self-indulgence, represents a deliberate rejection of the discipline and effort associated with spiritual or intellectual growth. Instead, they find solace and satisfaction in the immediate gratification of their desires. This alternative path, while seemingly liberating, often leads to a different kind of entrapment. New horizons became an increasingly distant dream. Why exert effort when intelligent machines could perform tasks with greater efficiency and precision? This subtle shift led to a stagnation of human potential, as the pursuit of self-improvement and intellectual curiosity took a backseat to the passive consumption of an ever-improving, automated existence. The relentless march of technological progress reshaped the landscape in ways we were only beginning to comprehend. For many who are still navigating the metaphorical slopes of human development, the path ahead appears shrouded in a mist of apathy and disinterest. The very essence of what was once considered vital—competency and the urgency for personal and societal growth—was largely eclipsed. However, a more ominous alternative also loomed large. We could, with chilling efficiency, direct our restless minds and formidable ingenuity toward devising new and ever more effective means of self-destruction.This path is paved with indifference and a profound disregard for the delicate balance of our planet. We could continue to pollute our atmosphere, poison our waters, and deplete our natural resources with insatiable greed, effectively despoiling the very planet we call home until it is barren and incapable of sustaining life. Such a trajectory would not only diminish our physical world but also corrode the very fabric of our societies. We would relinquish our shared beliefs, moral compass, and sense of communal responsibility that have traditionally bound us and guided our ethical conduct. In this bleak scenario, humanity would, tragically and irrevocably, descend the mountain of progress and enlightenment that we have striven so tirelessly and painstakingly to ascend. It would be a profound betrayal of our potential, a surrender to our basest instincts, and a catastrophic end to a journey that once held so much promise.

The Captain's Secret

Bathed in the glorious afternoon sun, simply enjoying the quiet, a familiar whirring sound announced the arrival of my lunch. It was my usual order, delivered by drone from a local takeaway —a simple convenience arranged through my phone. Rex, my faithful dog, lay beside me, his gaze utterly uninterested. He'd seen this spectacle countless times before.

It was a perfect afternoon, surrounded by the vibrant green of the trees. The park was mostly empty, its vast expanse of manicured grass prompting a curious thought: who maintained such pristine grounds? Perhaps it was the work of some diligent robot, silently keeping the world tidy, a silent ballet of automation.

Presently, an old sailor approached, taking a seat nearby. His face, deeply lined and weathered by the sun, spoke of countless voyages, and his hands were rough and gnarled. He introduced himself as Captain Elias Thorne, a true seadog whose eyes held the glint of distant horizons and untold stories.

He spoke of an audacious proposition: he was seeking a crew to sail his old tea clipper, the Spirit of Bengal, to China via the treacherous Cape of Good Hope. He described his vessel as a magnificent relic, her timbers steeped in the tales of countless crossings during the tea clipper years (1840-1870), a far cry from modern ships and the convenience of the Suez Canal. This journey, he stressed, was no pleasure cruise. It demanded courage, resilience, and a profound respect for the sea's unpredictable moods. He was blunt about what he offered: no lavish pay, no luxurious accommodation, just daily hardtack and a mug of rum. Rex glanced at me, his eyes reflecting utter disbelief at the prospect.

It sounded like an interesting challenge despite my ageing bones. Life in this current age lacks inspiration and the satisfaction of achievement. I was not accustomed to that, having always sought out new horizons and obstacles to overcome. The mundane rhythms of daily existence had begun to chafe, leaving me with a profound sense of unfulfilled potential.

However, when the opportunity arose, a flicker of that old fire reignited within me, even as Rex's low growl rumbled with disapproval and distrust for Captain Thorne. My loyal companion, ever watchful, seemed to sense an underlying current of danger—or perhaps merely a disruption to our comfortable routine. Despite his apprehension and a lingering scepticism regarding Thorne's true intentions, I agreed to meet and visit the ageing sailboat. It was said to be a vessel with a storied past, a living testament to journeys long completed and adventures still waiting to unfold, and the allure of such a proposition was simply too strong to resist.

Once aboard, the salty air filled my lungs—a welcome change from the sterile anxiety I'd felt on the dock. Captain Thorne, his weathered face seemingly embodying the spirit of the ocean, met my gaze with a reassuring twinkle. He wasted no time addressing the seriousness of our journey, acknowledging the inherent risks of venturing into the vast unknown. "Everything has been taken into careful consideration," he boomed, his voice a comforting rumble that carried easily over the gentle creak of the ship's timbers. "Every contingency, every possibility, meticulously planned for."

He then transitioned to the more practical, yet vital, aspects of our safety. His expression grew serious as he emphasised the importance of individual responsibility. "Your primary concern," he began, his voice dropping to a more conspiratorial whisper, "should be to heed the fire regulations. They are not merely suggestions but strict protocols designed to protect us all." He detailed the location of extinguishers, the designated muster points, and the procedures for reporting any signs of smoke or flame, stressing the importance of immediate action. Rex stood passively, silently contemplating canine conclusions.

Following this, his attention turned to the ultimate—though hopefully unnecessary—procedure: abandoning the ship. A shiver prickled down my spine, a visceral reaction to the grim reality of such a scenario. Yet, Captain Thorne's delivery was calm, almost pragmatic, stripping some of the terrifying prospect of its emotional weight. He explained that our primary means of escape, should the unthinkable occur, was a plank extending precariously over the tumultuous sea at the rear of the ship. He didn't sugarcoat its imperfections. "Albeit somewhat rickety," he admitted, a wry smile playing on his lips, "and with a significant crack running down its very centre, it has, against all odds, withstood many escape incidents in the past." His words, while acknowledging the plank's fragility, also conveyed its improbable fortitude in moments of dire need.

After several days at sea, Captain Thorne, with his usual enigmatic grin, suggested a gathering in the galley that evening for a period of 'jollity' and seafaring songs. The very notion of such an event, a break from the relentless rhythm of the waves and the demanding duties of the ship, ignited a flicker of excitement within me. I envisioned a lively scene: the warm glow of lanterns illuminating the faces of my shipmates, the clatter of tankards filled with ale, and the boisterous chorus of shanties echoing through the confined space. As I made my way through the labyrinthine corridors of the ship, the unfamiliar sounds of creaking timbers and lapping water a constant companion, I paid little heed to the probability of other crew members. My mind was singularly focused on my task aboard this vessel, a commitment overshadowing all other distractions. However, the scene that greeted me upon entering the galley was starkly, almost jarringly, different from my hopeful imaginings.

The galley was dimly lit by a single lantern, casting long shadows across the room. The air held a strange, musty odour. Instead of a gathering, I found a desolate silence. On a chipped enamel plate, solitary and forlorn, a single, dry biscuit rested. Beside it, a tarnished tin cup held a small amount of rum. A cold knot of unease tightened in my stomach. Where was the crew? Where was the promised jollity? The mystery of their absence hung in the air, thick and unsettling.

"So," I muttered to the empty room, my voice a quiet whisper, "who else is manning this ship?" A premonition of something unsettling prickled down my spine. The ship had felt oddly quiet for days, a subtle absence of the usual sounds of men at work, and my unease was growing, a knot of tension tightening in my gut. Rex clung to the heaving floorboards, his face a mask of disdain and discomfort.

Driven by a growing sense of foreboding, I cautiously approached a section of the galley wall. The ageing wood cladding offered a narrow, almost imperceptible gap. Peering through it, my eyes struggled to adjust to the deeper shadows beyond. And then, I saw him. Captain Thorne was in his cabin, beside a small antechamber typically reserved for charting and navigation. My heart raced as I tried to comprehend this strange discovery.

The sight that unfolded before me was utterly bewildering. There, on a small, rickety table, sat a steaming fish pie, its golden-brown crust glistening. And on Captain Thorn's lap, nestled comfortably as if it were a cherished pet, was a newly evolved robot. It was a remarkable contraption. With delicate, almost human-like precision, the robot's metallic finger twirled in Captain Thorne's luxuriant beard, a gesture of almost familial intimacy.

A strange, knowing smile played on the Captain's lips as he savoured his solitary feast, completely oblivious to the abandoned galley and the solitary biscuit that awaited his disillusioned 'crew'. The realisation dawned on me, cold and clear: the "crew" he had spoken of, the jollity he had promised, was a private affair, shared only with his new, mechanical companion.

I awoke with a start, my eyes snapping open to the unsettling gloom that had descended upon the park. The dream: a chilling testament to the unfolding divide between the privileged and the marginalised, underscoring the drive for increased profit.

A chill had begun to permeate the air. An undeniable scent of damp earth mingled with the faint, sweet perfume of fading blossoms. It was a familiar aroma, one that signalled the urgent need to abandon my reverie and prepare for my flight home. My old bones, stiff from an afternoon spent in blissful idleness, protested with a chorus of creaks and groans as I stirred—a testament to the passage of time and the demands of gravity. It was high time to rustle them, coax them back into movement, and begin the trek towards the drone docking station.

Liver Cancer 2002

Following a routine check after bowel cancer surgery, a shadow was detected on my liver. Subsequent scans and biopsies yielded inconclusive results, leading to a liver surgeon conducting a thorough examination. His diagnosis was stark: a ninety per cent certainty of terminal liver cancer.

Given the gravity of the situation, an emergency operation to remove the cancer was deemed necessary and scheduled. Once settled and alone in my hospital room, the weight of this news settled heavily. The silence was profound, amplifying the anxiety that gnawed at me.

The surgeon's arrival broke the quiet of the room. His presence was commanding as he entered, his footsteps echoing softly. His serious demeanour and furrowed brow conveyed the gravity of the situation. The surgical mask hanging from his ear served as a stark reminder of the medical realities I faced.

He approached my bedside, his shadow falling over me. His intense gaze held mine, the silence stretching, thick with unspoken words. Finally, he spoke, his voice carrying a note of regret. He explained that the cancer had progressed too far for surgical removal. The finality of his words hung in the air.

He then suggested reviewing a video in his office. I followed him, feeling uncomfortable in the open-backed theatre gown as we walked through the hospital corridors. The video explanation offered little clarity. Upon its conclusion, the surgeon awaited my reaction. I found myself strangely calm and without words.

Back in my room, while waiting for my family, I turned to the bedside Bible. Psalm 116 offered unexpected comfort, the verses about deliverance from death resonating deeply with my current predicament.

After what felt like an eternity, my family arrived. As we prepared to leave, evening light was casting long shadows; the surgeon met us at the door. To our surprise, he had reconsidered. He proposed an operation, one he had performed only once before with some success, offering a fragile thread of hope that gently wrapped around us, soothing our fears.

The weight of this unexpected possibility required a moment to process. The day had been a rollercoaster of emotions. Finally, with little to lose, I agreed. My family, however, wrestled with a mixture of hope and fear, their anxiety mirroring the life-altering potential of this decision. Their emotional turmoil was palpable, and it was hard not to feel their struggle.

Despite the terminal prognosis, I found myself surprisingly well physically. Perhaps as a form of defiance or a need to embrace life, we planned a family reunion in Australia together with the balance of our family. Among excursions in and around Sydney, our visit included a canoe tour of the Harbour. My weakened state made it difficult to keep abreast of the others. While lagging, a ferry suddenly appeared, its horn blaring. Straining to avoid a collision, I paddled with a surge of determination, my body straining to avoid a collision.

Finally, upon our return to the UK, further challenges awaited. A burst water pipe in our flat had caused significant damage, ruining furniture shipped from South Africa just two years prior. There was little time to dwell on this setback, as the rescheduled operation was imminent. These unexpected challenges kept us on our toes, constantly surprised by life's twists and turns.

Upon my return to the hospital, lying on my hospital bed, I had a period of quiet introspection. The impending operation felt as though I was embarking on an uncertain journey. The prognosis of terminal cancer was a constant, unwelcome perspective. Despite the fear, a sense of hope and trust remained.

The operation was lengthy. Outside the operating theatre, life continued as normal. Inside, the surgical team worked with intense focus, the atmosphere thick with anticipation. Hours passed, marked by the hushed aura of concentration.

Finally, as the anaesthetic wore off, a fragile hope surfaced, mingled with the beeping of medical equipment. The sight of tubes and suspended bottles was a stark reminder of my condition. The quiet concern of the doctor and nurse and the visible worry on my wife's face underscored the gravity of the situation. Yet, amidst this, I was struck by the kindness of the hospital staff and my wife's unwavering support.

The surgeon later explained the complexities of the operation, noting that he had to remove tissue closer to the cancer than ideal, and the unexpected cancerous invasion of vital blood vessels led to further significant challenges.

The reality of recovery brought a new dimension, a tube protruding from my chest. A nurse explained this unexpected development as a chemotherapy method for ongoing treatment—a portable bottle attached to my belt.

The cost of the life-saving surgery had also significantly depleted my savings, a financial burden I had not anticipated. The question of future employment with a visible reminder of my illness loomed large, casting a shadow of uncertainty over my future. The practical implications of illness, often overlooked, were now a stark reality that I had to confront.

Being fitted with the chemotherapy bottle involved a long day at the clinic, surrounded by other patients facing their own health battles. When a senior nurse informed us that an X-ray of the tube was required before the fitting, a sense of weariness washed over me.

The constant medical interventions and the impact on my quality of life led to a difficult decision. I turned to my wife and voiced my feelings: it was a question of quality versus quantity of life. When the nurse returned, I requested that the chemotherapy tube be removed.

Following a week in the hospital, I returned to my still-damaged flat. The operation's aftermath was a slow and disruptive recovery. The financial strain necessitated a return to work. I soon found myself working as a locum pharmacist in unfamiliar towns, a stark contrast to my previous life. The physical and emotional toll of the recovery, coupled with the financial burden, made the return to normalcy a daunting task.

 Courage

Upon immigrating from South Africa to Britain in 1998, at the height of the confusion following the release of Mandela, I joined a pharmaceutical company that owned a chain of retail pharmacies in North Wales. There was some apprehension regarding my suitability, not having worked in a retail pharmacy for 25 years. I was 63 years old, an age at which some might consider undertaking a challenge of this magnitude to be rash. I was not unaware of the responsibility and the potential for unforeseen complications. Yet, a potent combination of determination and a thirst for a new adventure propelled me forward. This determination, I found, was a powerful force that could overcome any obstacle. Upon my arrival, a young pharmacist was assigned to oversee my orientation and evaluate my aptitude. A palpable contrast, the seasoned experience marked initial interactions juxtaposed with her youthful energy. As the orientation progressed, I drew upon a reservoir of knowledge and skills honed over decades of practice. Together, we navigated the complexities of the environment, each contributing our unique strengths to the shared goal. The initial uncertainties gave way to mutual respect and a collaborative spirit. It was a testament to the power of intergenerational partnerships and the enduring value of experience in the face of new challenges. Our collaboration, despite our age difference, was a key factor in my successful adaptation to the pharmacy setting, highlighting the importance of diversity and teamwork in any work environment. 

Limited to observing the familiar, I felt unable to contribute further. After some days of visiting shops, I arrived at a rather busy pharmacy. I felt completely out of place and could contribute nothing. Just prior to the lunch break, the young dispensary assistant, a key member of the pharmacy team responsible for various tasks, including customer service and inventory management, made it known that she was unwell and would not return after the break. Upon reopening the shop, the resident pharmacist returned from the local doctor's surgery with a handful of prescriptions. He confessed that there were more prescriptions than ever before and that he had to catch a train to London at 6 pm. He thereupon dumped the pile of prescriptions at the side of the computer and disappeared. I squared up before the machine and found the capture of the scripts straightforward. By the time he returned, I had processed many of the prescriptions, complete with dosage labels. When my tutor arrived to collect me, I processed a pile of prescriptions that were ready for dispensing. It took the rest of the afternoon for the two pharmacists to complete the dispensing in time for the train to be caught. The next day, the CEO of the organisation, together with the personnel manager and a new car, arrived. They were impressed by my adaptability and the speed at which I had learned the new system. They proclaimed that I needed no further training and should begin locum duties right away, a decision that validated my determination and the power of intergenerational collaboration. 

 Does life need a purpose to have value?

Is choosing how we die the ultimate expression of our freedom, or does it undermine the value of life? Recent comments on the news highlighted an ongoing discussion about assisted dying, raising concerns about its potential to devalue life. However, determining whether assisted dying truly diminishes the value of life is a complex matter with no straightforward answer. Different cultures and religions view this issue differently, influencing how assisted dying is seen and its effects on life's value.

But the question of life's value extends far beyond the debate around assisted dying. In the postmodern era, the rejection of absolute truths has led to a profound shift in how individuals seek meaning and purpose. No longer tethered to traditional religious or societal narratives, individuals are left to create their own values and meaning in a world where multiple perspectives and truths coexist.  

I remember lying in a hospital bed, ravaged by a COVID cytokine storm, feeling so weak and utterly alone. In those moments, the thought of a peaceful, chosen end seemed comforting. It's a memory that haunts me as I ponder the news and the ongoing debate surrounding assisted dying.

This newfound freedom can be liberating and daunting. On one hand, it allows for greater individual expression and the ability to craft a life that aligns with personal values and desires. The absence of a single, universal truth can create a sense of existential anxiety and uncertainty. Without a prescribed road map for meaning, individuals are left to navigate a landscape of endless possibilities, unsure of which path to take.

Those in favour of assisted dying emphasise the importance of personal freedom and the right to make choices about one's life and death, especially when facing unbearable suffering. On the other hand, some argue that human life is sacred and should be protected unconditionally, believing that assisted dying undermines the inherent value of life.

Historically, from 1650 to 1950, Christianity heavily influenced Western culture. Many people believed the Bible held the answer to life's purpose, often interpreted as serving and worshipping God. This purpose could involve individual salvation, contributing to society's well-being, or taking part in God's divine plan.

However, the postmodern era, emerging in the late 20th century, changed how people view truth and knowledge. Postmodernism rejects absolute truths and emphasises that knowledge is constructed and subjective. This shift significantly affects our understanding of life's purpose.

According to postmodernism, there is no inherent or universal purpose for everyone. Instead, individuals create and define their own purpose. This means that the purpose of life isn't something to be discovered, but something we actively create through our interactions with the world and others.

This postmodern view has profound implications for how we live. Without a single objective purpose we are free to create our own and live according to our values and desires. This freedom can be both liberating and daunting, as the responsibility for finding meaning and purpose rests solely on our shoulders.

Ultimately, whether life has a purpose is a personal choice and interpretation. There's no right or wrong answer, and everyone must decide for themselves. However, the postmodern perspective challenges traditional notions of purpose and encourages us to consider creating our own unique and meaningful lives.

In the absence of absolute truth, the question of whether life has inherent value becomes even more pressing. If there is no universal meaning to life, does that mean it is inherently meaningless? Or does it mean that we are empowered to create our own meaning, thereby giving life value?

This is a question with no straightforward answer. The postmodern perspective challenges us to confront the existential uncertainty that comes with the rejection of absolute truth. But it also offers the possibility of a more authentic and personalised meaning-making process. We are no longer bound by pre-determined narratives, but free to create our own stories and find meaning in the relationships, experiences, and values that resonate with us.

Cytokine Storm

  The Ukraine war has made me aware of how insignificant life on this Earth might be. The period I spent in hospital following a covid infection and a cytokine storm made me realise how remarkable my existence on this planet might be. The experience all but concluded my life, and indeed, many shared my expectations. I am left with no doubt that I had reached the boundary that characterised the point of departure. 

I owe gratitude to the doctors who refused my appeals for them to withdraw and leave me to face the inevitable. I was so sick and in pain that it seemed to be a desirable outcome. 

During the first two weeks of January 2022, I drifted into a completely unknown world. Driven by outrageous dreams and horrifying hallucinations, I felt distressed, solitary and alone, often in a dark, infinite and featureless world. Short-term sensory deprivation sessions can be relaxing; extended sensory deprivation can result in extreme anxiety, hallucinations, bizarre thoughts, and depression. 

One morning, I awoke to find myself in a fantastic coherent world that made sense. I felt invigorated but was nevertheless wholly hindered by the loss of physical strength. There is no doubt that my mind and my sight had suffered the consequences of the experience.

I resolved to continue the struggle and did my best to recover. I had no desire for food, yet I picked out the most protein bearing and nutritious morsels I could find within the meals supplied. During the night, I would plan my next physical endeavour. I might decide to sit at the foot of my bed or walk along the bed clutching at the side rails, but I lacked the strength even to reach the foot of the bed.

Toward the end of January, I was visited by three physiotherapist carers who were to get me up and mobile. I rarely had visits of this nature and insisted that I return home to my family waiting for me. After several exhausting and harrowing events to satisfy the authorities, I and my wheelchair were winched up into a waiting vehicle to return home.

Once home, I was allocated three carer visits daily, evidently, to assist Myrtle. Myrtle's dedication and a more suitable diet nurtured me, and I quickly began to recover my strength. The visiting carers insisted I perform prescribed exercises daily, among other supportive duties.

It is now mid-May, and I am all but thoroughly recovered. I can walk freely about the house and attend to all my basic needs; I prefer to use a rollator or a wheeled walker when walking outdoors.

If I learned anything from my experience, that is to continue my exercises for as long as I live. I am now more mobile and physically stronger than I was before. 

Covid

I had Covid starting in mid-December 2021. I first became aware of it when I collapsed on the bathroom floor. At the time, a lady from Living With Covid called to check on us. On hearing that I had collapsed, the lady caller enquired about my blood oxygen percentage. Fortunately, Living With Covid provided us with a  blood oximeter. 

Upon hearing my blood-oxygen ratio, she was shaken and immediately arranged for an ambulance to take me to a hospital. The ambulance arrived within minutes, and I was placed in isolation upon arrival at the hospital.

I spent some time in this isolation room surrounded by the most depressing wallpaper. An elderly doctor entered, and after encircling my bed, he said, "You may never leave here." He went on to mumble something about intensive care. The staff who attended to my needs wore transparent helmets fed by air from an apparatus slung on their backs.

I was eventually transferred to a ward full of very sick people. I was finally discharged and sent home after two weeks.

I arrived home, and I began to run at a high temperature. At home, we could not control my temperature with the resources available. I returned to the hospital and remained there for the next four weeks. 

I have no recollection of anything during the first week in the hospital. No one could know what I was going through after that; my entire body was wracked with pain, and to cough was agony. The illness had entirely drained my body of strength, and I could only lie wholly paralysed. My mind constantly hallucinated, leading to outrageous dreams. It was so distressing that I have no desire to recall or discuss any of it. 

I would dream of being in an arid landscape of nothing but an endless terrain of nothing. I'd be walking, searching, knowing there was nothing to find, only darkness.

The nursing staff were mainly of foreign birth, knowing sufficient English for the job. Everyone was extraordinarily supportive; nothing seemed to be too much trouble. Still, I think few appreciated what I was experiencing—left to lie in isolation with no contact with the familiar outside world apart from an occasional call from home via the ward telephone.

Because I had no bladder control, the nursing staff constantly changed my bed linen and pyjamas. Meanwhile, other nurses lined up to insert fluids into my ailing body or withdraw the precious content.

Internet access was denied, and no visitors were allowed. I was left to lie and reflect on my imagination and hallucinations. I felt like a caged rat in a laboratory, a living source of research material. It was probably the most horrendous period of my life, mentally or otherwise.

A doctor emerged out of the fog. Leaning over my bed, he exclaimed, "The trouble with you is that you are not cooperating." I had no idea what he was eluding to, for there was nothing much that I could do to please him. I pleaded with a visiting doctor on several occasions to go away and leave me alone and let me slip away peacefully.

After that experience, I was moved to various wards where life continued as before. Physiotherapist nurses were around visiting patients, but I received little more than promises for tomorrow. I had gained a little strength and realised that I should be trying to restore my mobility.

Doctors visited me but rarely spent any time with me. Finally, a doctor informed me that I would be transferred to another hospital when space was available and then to a specialist nursing home.

Early one morning, I was surrounded by three physiotherapist nurses who informed me that they were to get me up and mobile. I had a complete 'meltdown' and said I had as much as I could and would go nowhere except home. 

Peter had come out from Australia to be with the family, while John and Myrtle were eager to have me home. John had bought me a hospital bed, and all were prepared to have me return.

About three days later, late in the afternoon, I was awakened from an afternoon slumber. I was informed that a taxi had arrived to collect me. I was loaded into a wheelchair and finally winched into the back of the waiting vehicle.

It was a late winter's evening, dark and cold, and I was unsure of my destination. The journey took forever; I could not identify landmarks but assumed it was homeward. I texted John as best I could in the jolting taxi to inform the family that I was on my way home.

When we finally arrived after a gruelling journey, I was relieved and delighted to see Myrtle, John and Peter on the curbside waiting for me. However, I wondered how they intended to get me to a bed because  I was emaciated without any vestige of strength. It was a relief to find that the wheelchair could enter the house and take me to my bedside. 

It was now late January 2022; the month had been one of my life's most gruelling periods. Upon my arrival home, I could do very little for myself, but I did begin to recuperate. I steadily recovered, grateful for Myrtle's unwavering love and untiring support. Carers were provided and called thrice daily to assist and oversee my exercises. 

During February 2022, carers would arrive early morning, midday and evening; I seldom felt like tolerating their intrusion while washing or having a shower as they supervised. At first, exercise was such a burden; I knew I had to make an effort to recover and be more self-sustaining. 

Recovery was slow and steady throughout February. In March, I quickly regained strength and could get about quite easily with a walking aid. I could walk down our passage unaided by mid-March, much to my carer's astonishment and delight.

April, I can now walk about normally, except there is an element of weakness in my legs, and my balance is not good. Myrtle and I exercise every morning. Our regular session, provided mainly by the carers, leaves me exhausted. 

I have come so near to the termination of my presence on this ailing planet on more than one occasion I do not doubt that I have a benefactor in some undisclosed and secret place where I will live forever. 

Chapter 1

Introduction

Introduction

GLYN DANIEL KEARNEY

Life Experiences

Introduction

Durban in South Africa was a lively city in 1950, with a different pace of life compared to . . . today's fast-paced digital world. There was no television and cars were a luxury.Young people felt optimistic, and I started my career as a pharmacist trainee. We spent our evenings carefree, enjoying the company of friends and watching movies at the drive-in theatre. The beachfront was a safe place to be, with car-side service for coffee and toasted buns. Formality eagerly expected, with young men and women dressed in their finest clothes, dancing and enjoying the Tudor gaze of the Playhouse cinema. Saturday nights are expected with everyone looking forward to the velvet embrace of the theatre. As my career progressed, I learned how to adapt to the ever-changing world. My story is a testament to the shifting notes of life, and how I learned to embrace change.

Chapter One - 1935

Port Shepstone early years

The story begins with my mother, who was born in Cowbridge, Swansea, and was already in her 40s when I was born. She had moved to South Africa, accompanied by her 12-year-old daughter, shortly after World War I. However, the circumstances of her move shrouded in secrecy and embarrassment, which was typical of the era. Assuming that the anguish of WWI may have been a contributing factor to her relocation to a foreign land as a young woman, which could have been a traumatic experience for her, especially since she was probably rejected by her family.

My father was one of the British soldiers of the South African Mounted Riflemen (SAMR) formed in 1915 during World War I. He was sent to East Africa to fight in the war against Paul von Lettow-Vorbeck. He used to tell me stories about the harsh conditions, the relentless heat and humidity, and the constant threat of disease. But most of all, he talked about the frustration of fighting an elusive enemy who seemed to vanish into the bush, only to reappear and strike when least expected. Disease was another enemy, malaria, dysentery, claiming more men than bullets. The heat, the insects, the endless marching, it wore us down, but we pushed on, driven by stubbornness, a refusal to let von Lettow have it his way.The war against Paul von Lettow-Vorbeck in East Africa took place during World War I, which lasted from 1914 to 1918. Born in 1898, Dad must have been very young. Following his return to South Africa, he joined the South African Police Force in April 1920 as a detective. 

They married on the 25th June 1927 The outbreak of World War II in September 1939 sent ripples through our lives. My father, Detective Sergeant Kearney, moved from Durban where I was born in 1935 to a smaller town on the south coast–Port Shepstone near Durban in 1940. Port Shepstone had a unique flavour. Many settlers, primarily German farmers, called it home. I vividly recall the long journey there in our old Hudson, bumping our way across rickety river bridges. Forget smooth tarmac - the roads were mostly rough gravel or even beach sand. 

Our first stop was Mrs. Batstone's boarding house. Too young for school, I spent my days under her watchful eye while my parents completed the move from Durban. Soon enough, though, Mom found a gem–a lovely house close to the mouth of the mighty Umzimkulu River. Back then, Umzimkulu marked the border between Eastern Cape and Kwazulu-Natal provinces.

Behind our house stretched a vast expanse of pristine coastal bush, merging seamlessly with the river mouth. This became my personal playground, a world to explore. Mom's only rule (a far cry from today's safety restrictions) was to stay away from the river itself. Unfamiliar with the dangers lurking in the African bush, Mom didn't fully grasp the potential risks. I spent countless hours lost in that verdant world, venturing close to the riverbank. There, I'd watch brightly coloured river birds weave intricate nests in the reeds, or mesmerised by chameleons, their colour-changing abilities a source of endless fascination. Of course, with childhood curiosity came a healthy dose of fear. Whispers of the dreaded Black Mamba, a venomous serpent said to slither through the bush, sent shivers down my spine. Thankfully, my encounters involved harmless grass snakes and other less intimidating creatures.

As dusk settled, the landscape transformed into a magical spectacle. Patches of grassland twinkled with fireflies and the gentle glow of glow worms. Even the daisies in our garden seemed like tiny ecosystems, each one housing a beetle at its heart. The chirping symphony of crickets filled the air as the sun dipped below the horizon.Flying ants, those heralds of evening, emerged in buzzing swarms. Males and young queens on a nuptial flight, they'd leave a carpet of spent wings behind, especially near lights. It was a world teeming with life, a constant source of wonder for a curious young boy.

Chapter Two 1940 to 1944

Life in Port Shepstone

Life in Port Shepstone settled into a routine. My mother, ever the patriot, joined the Women's Auxiliary, her days filled with sewing clothes and raising funds for the war effort. Our home often opened its doors to war refugees, offering them a temporary haven. 

My father, a relentless investigator, spent countless nights pursuing elusive criminals. Whether it was investigating swastikas vandalising local roads or German submarines allegedly signalling off the coast, his dedication was unwavering. Unfortunately, to my knowledge, he never succeeded in capturing a submarine.

By the time I reached school age, however, a different storm was brewing within me. Looking back, it's clear I was an insecure child. What we now understand as autism and learning difficulties  labelled as daydreaming and inattentiveness. Unsurprisingly, punishment became my constant companion from day one. School was a battlefield, and I resisted its rigid structure with every ounce of my being.

Even today, the details of that experience remain etched in my memory. The headteacher's imposing figure, his office a place of dread. The veranda on the side, a makeshift punishment zone where I'd be a solitary figure yearning for understanding. These were the harsh realities of my school life between the ages of seven and nine.

Chapter Three - 1945 to 1949

Back in Durban

WWII ended on May 8th, 1945, but the world remained a fractured place. We returned to Durban at the end of 1945, and the new school I found myself in offered no refuge, only a different battlefield. Here, the enemy wasn't war, but a sea of orphans wrestling with their own grief and loss.

My teacher, Miss Thompson, stands out in my memory: a thin woman with gaunt cheeks painted a harsh red with rouge.  Every day seemed to bring a fresh batch of mistakes on my part, each one leading to an inevitable call to the front of the class for punishment.  Her weapon of choice was a three-foot-long cane, wielded with a venom that defied her frail frame.  I can still see her drawing herself up, taking a deep breath before unleashing a blow with such force that it seemed to lift her off the ground.

But the cane wasn't the only torment I faced. Being the "new kid" in a school filled with hungry orphans made me a prime target. Every break was a gauntlet of bullying, a relentless assault fueled by a mix of hunger and cruelty. The vast playing fields became our hiding place, a corner far from the watchful (or perhaps nonexistent) eyes of any teachers. Many, it seemed, were yet to return from the war.

Returning home with bruised arms and blue cheeks, I'd face my father's concerned questions. The answer, however, was always the same: "Be a man."  It was a simple yet brutal solution, offering no comfort or protection in the face of relentless torment.  Those were the harsh lessons learned in the hallways and on the playing fields of my new school–lessons of survival, not education.

During my first year in that school I ran an unfathomable temperature. A doctor, summoned to our home and all I can remember was his presence in my room. I remember nothing else until I awoke and found myself in a hospital ward with a pile of Bugs Bunny comic books on the table beside my bed. I do not know how long I remained in hospital or even any recollection of other children in the ward. 

After a period, I returned to school and as far as I can recollect, life was less harsh. For me, from that time on all is unclear. I know that my mother arranged for me to go to an alternative more cultured school but my memories are vague and I can only recall part of the first year in that school and the many afternoons that I had to remain after school to reconstruct earlier work, particularly Afrikaans language.

My experiences set the stage for the future of my entire school career. Not intentionally but I kept my distance from anything that looked like a teacher, I enjoyed no connection with teachers and viewed other boys with suspicion. I had few friends and found ways and means to entertain myself. My new school focussed heavily on sport and that meant further harassment and punishment for noncompliance. I hated rugby and thought it to be a barbaric pastime. I could never see the sense in cricket while standing in the field waiting for a leather bound ball to come my way. I was far away in my world when a ball came flying by.

While writing this account of my past, I realise that I have a very scant recollection of the events from the time of my hospital experience late 1946 to early 1949.My parents were always on the move. When my mother sold the house in Port Shepstone, she realised she could make money buying and selling houses. We were always on the move occupying, renovating and selling houses. I lived mostly with my sister and her husband and therefore never settled down to a life in a home of my own

Chapter Four - 1950 to 1953

High school years

I had just completed my end-of-school examinations and was ready to face the real world. Two years earlier, I had written the school leaving examination, and I had failed. Upon returning to school to repeat the failed year, The head teacher summoned me and gave me the choice of being promoted or repeating the failed examination. He reminded me that if I failed my end-of-school examination, I would have neither a school leaving nor a university entrance certificate.

This momentous event was quite unanticipated. One might expect that having to make a decision of this nature required consultation with parents or guardians, but I instantly agreed.

I was living with my sister and her husband at the time. I had no idea where my parents were living or what they were doing. 

Living in this world, I was truly an alien. No one understood me, and neither did I understand the objectives and values of the neurotypical. When Leo Kanner's 1943 paper on autism was published recognising autism as a separate condition, the world was not ready to accept or understand the gravity of the situation. All my life, I have lived a life of indifference and mostly responsible for my own destiny.  

I was never in an institution-like environment or intensely supervised. At all  times at home I was left to pursue my own interests that by no means was commensurate with the norm. The family comment was that if you wanted to know how Glyn was doing at school you started at the bottom of the published exam list. 

I never understood the concept of competition. I just did what I resolved to do without seeing a coming examination, for example, as a challenge but something that had to be done.

I had no friends with whom I could consult. On being in the vicinity of the pharmacy school after completion of my school career back in 1954, I resolved to register and qualify as a pharmacist. In spite of the myriad of unsuccessful students in circulation, I was undaunted and finally qualified as a professional pharmacist in 1959.

Finally, with no great effort, I passed the South African final year matriculation school examination, the minimum university entrance requirement. I favoured a career in Pharmacy although I think I would have preferred to study chemistry for I was mad about science.

Chapter Five - 1954 to 1959

Pharmacy training.

While registering to study pharmacy, I met a school friend who was known to be one of the brighter pupils. He knew me quite well and advised me to reconsider my choice of career as he was convinced that it was quite the wrong occupation for me. My family were not convinced about my career choice but in spite of their lack of confidence in me they still left me to my own devices and possibly not expecting me to enrol for pharmacy. At the time, pharmacy was thought to be one of the more difficult careers and, probably, there was some truth in it for there were many who struggled for years to pass the examinations or else withdrew.

I can still vividly recall the day I went to purchase my text books. I have a clear vision of the bookstore in the Durban high street, “Griggs Booksellers” was its name. I remember the young fellow who served me, he had to help me pronounce the word “pharmaceutical”. Looking back, I cannot believe I took life so casually yet I cannot boast of being confident or apprehensive. As I think about that period, I am reminded of my school years, my attitude to life and my destiny.

I can distinctly recall my first pharmacy lecture. Where I arrived without pen or paper. The lecturer strode in and delivered his lecture and at. the end he gathered his papers and departed leaving me feeling rather stunned. I sat in the empty lecture room and realised how alone I was. There was no one that I knew and all departed without a nod.

I had to serve a three-year apprenticeship prior to a full year terminating in a qualifying examination. An intermediate examination was necessary either a full year at college or two years’ part-time study during the apprenticeship period. I chose to study for the Intermediate examination during my apprenticeship years. I worked six days a week in order to pay for my lectures at the Pharmacy School and attended lectures three nights a week thus saving a year.  There were no University courses for Pharmacists in those days. My parents gave me a small car as there was no bus transport at night and the College was miles away from home. There was little time for pleasure as I had to work extremely hard. I had realised that I was not going to get by on minimum effort. I was delighted when I passed my final qualifying examination before my school friend who had advised me to choose another career.

Apprenticeship Years

During my apprenticeship, I worked in a dispensary surrounded by many stock bottles. Each bottle contained a solution of a medicinal chemical or compound used for dispensing doctor’s prescriptions. At the time it was not uncommon to dispense many medicinal mixtures for internal and external use. Technology and mass production had not yet been introduced. Each preparation would be individually compounded with at least 4 or 5 active ingredients and a sweetener or a flavouring would be added to make it more palatable. Dispensers needed to be extremely alert and not become confused while working under pressure. The measurement system used was grains, minims and drams. The doctor would order ingredients per dose and the dispenser would have to mentally calculate how much was needed of each ingredient for the number of doses prescribed. There were no calculators to assist with the calculations either. The pharmacist needed a good knowledge of chemistry to avoid mixing chemicals that might react negatively with one another in the bottle. Pharmacy was certainly a profession.

Bottles containing tinctures and infusions made from herbs to make medicinal mixtures lined the walls while oils and fats used for making ointments or emulsions for the skin were kept at a lower level. Many creams, ointments and lotions were prescribed and it needed professional skill and knowledge with a mortar and pestle to blend oil and water. They do not normally mix easily and it took hours of practice to learn the skill of knowing just where in the mortar the pestle would shear the oil globules small enough to be carried in suspension in an emulsion. Just the right flick while mixing was important to attain a successful dispersion for a smooth emollient.

There were a few proprietary pills, tablets and mixtures available for prescription use while many doctors had favourite recipes of their own.  Each morning as I entered the dispensary I relished the smells of eucalyptus and menthol among the others. It was much like an adrenalin rush, and a feeling of satisfaction that I enjoyed. It was an adventure and not just a job.

Every prescription dispensed had to be recorded by hand in a large prescription book. My first job of the day was to enter all the names and page numbers in the index for future reference. Labels giving directions were handwritten on gummed paper and either licked or moistened before fixing to the container.

I applied myself with my new found self-awareness and soon earned the privilege of being deemed trustworthy and someone of integrity who could open the pharmacy on time in the morning, and do the dispensing unaided and unsupervised apart from when dispensing hazardous material.

I finally reached my goal after years of toil at the end of 1959.